Jill Thurman
Special to the Sun

There is really only one spoken truth during Whiskey Flat Days. Everything you hear and see is mostly likely a lie! Illusion takes precedence over fact, laughter and good times are what’s expected and all done for the sake of giving to charities. If you participated at all in the celebration then you are one of the lucky one’s this year. The weather was incredible, the parade was quite the spectacle, the rodeo was exciting, the encampments really put you inside the Old West and then there was the election for Honorable Mayor of Whiskey Flat. 

Bloated and boastful, the three candidates were as they mounted the stage to hear the results being read by our parting Mayor, Bronco Bob.  The crowd chanted their candidate’s name which roared across the park like battle cries. Each candidate took a position at the microphone and again told how much they wanted and deserved the position but, the results were in. 

TurnCoat Chris, left, Whiskey Flat Mayor runner up, congratulates Tenderfoot Tony, the new Honorary Mayor of Whiskey Flat, despite Tenderfoot’s continued political banter at Sunday’s announcement.

Now, before I tell you who was elected let me start by telling you who will fill our Honorable Deputy mayor positions.  First there is Cimmeron Cynthia who didn’t look the worse for wear after running her tough campaign but in the end road off, bedpan in tow, with $8,500 in bribe money toward her charities, the ECHO Foundation, the Rotary Club and the Chamber of Commerce.  Then there is TurnCoat Chris, a new comer to Whiskey Flat, and yet one who still managed to bribe his way almost to the position of Honorable Mayor by raising $10,700 for his charities, the Kernville Bike Park and the Chamber of Commerce. However, a small amount will be withheld for his much needed surgery. In the last moments of surrender TurnCoat’s mouth opened wide enough for the placement of his foot, boot and all I might add. Let’s just say he wouldn’t be known as TurnCoat if he enjoyed losin’ and leave it at that.

And finally without further adieu, good people of Whiskey Flat, your newly appointed Honorable Mayor is… Tenderfoot Tony who bribed the lot of you with his purdy blue eyes and fancy ass ways. Tenderfoot raised $11,101 for his kids to have football gear and cheerleadin’ attire. In his acceptance speech he let us all know that from the very beginning it was never about him but, “It is about the children, and the children are the winners in all categories this year.” The celebration then proceeded to the Saloon where I paid my debt by buying Mayor Tenderfoot a malt beverage and dancing with him one time to one of his favorite hymns (any song that has a cowbell ringing in it.)

One final and sad note, to those of you who have been waiting with your heifer for this moment to arrive, Tenderfoot Tony’s prized bull has died. Seems the electrician who installed the artificial inseminator apparatus, Jay Watson, follows the county codes to a tee and installed one of those new fangled automatic switches that turns on every time anything moves in the room. Well at least Tony’s bull died with a smile on his face.

This here is Kernville Jill sayin’ “See all ya’ll at Whiskey Flat next year!  Ya’ll come!”