Kernville
Jill

Folks, your gonna wanna hold on to your hats on this tid-bit of news. It has come to our attention that the Forest Service has been stocking the Kern River with whiskey barrels full of fish nearly everyday of the week for the last three months.

Now hold on ‘cause you’re not gonna believe this, but we have it on good authority from the most honest man ever to run for Whiskey Flat Mayor – TurnCoat Chris – that ol’ goll darn Tenderfoot Tony has been dyn-o-miten’ our river and settin’ huge nets for the fish stock for cat food. We hear it’s cause he’s got himself a cathouse goin’ over in Bodfish and them cats are eatin’ him outta house and home. Folks, vote for TurnCoat Chris and he will stop the blastin’ and get fish back in the Kern River.

If’n that ain’t enough, TurnCoat Chris has stepped up his efforts to free the children of our valley from their bondage of video games and hopeless couch-potatoing.

He is raffling off a pallet of pellets for one dollar per chance to win. No Confederate bills will be accepted and don’t get cute with your half pennies either. He’s acceptin’ only real currency, gold or silver and, ifin’ you got real good references he’ll take yur check but you got to be willin’ to spit in yur hand and shake on it or there ain’t gonna be any trustin’ you.

And then..and then..TurnCoat Chris and Tenderfoot Tony were seen in a near altercation in front of Cheryl’s Diner on Wednesday afternoon. It seems, by folks who witnessed the incodent, that Tenderfoot Tony was tryin’ to depart without payin for his meal.

Witnesses said he was seen eatin’ some of Cheryl’s famous oatmeal with cooked raisens and a sprinkle of cinnamon and brown sugar and then the next thing they knew he was downin’ his last swaller of coffee and headed for the door. That’s when TurnCoat Chris, “the most honest man ever to run for Whiskey Flat Mayor” stopped him in his tracks and said quite nicely to all who heard him, “Mr. Tenderfoot, Sir. It would appear that you have forgotten to take care of you business here.” That’s when Tenderfoot looked back at his empty bowl and coffee cup and said back to TurnCoat in a not-so-nice fashion, “Where’s the evidence?” At that point the two men took their grievance outside and the folks eatin’ were forced to choose between leavin’ their freshly made hot meals or goin’ out and watchin’ the fight. Sadly for our news story the food is so tasty at Cheryl’s Diner that this is where the eye witness accounts stop and we are forced to use our imaginations for the rest of the story. Cheryl did mention the meal was paid for but can’t recall by whom.

An that thar is the tale as this here reporter coverin’ the Flats sees it. Stay tuned to next week’s shenanigans.